signs of spring

I checked my front flower boxes today. After clearing away the dead stuff from last year – which remained because I had not cut my day lilies after they were done … not the best gardener here – I saw that there were signs of life pushing up out of the soil, through the dead stuff , and into the world, saying “Here I am! Spring is coming!” What a relief. I am SO ready for Spring.

Since we’ve established that I am not a very good gardener, I can openly admit that I don’t know what those top two plants are. I am thinking tulips because I know I see tulips in my boxes every year. Or I am thinking irises. But now that I say that, I can not remember ever planting irises. So I suppose I will bet on tulips. I do know the bottom purple beauties are crocuses, and I love seeing them bloom every year. It just means we’re one step closer to Spring. And that makes me so happy 🙂

my hearts desire | a guest post by Kallie Hogan

Today I am so honored to have my friend Kallie guest posting. Here is her inspiring and touching story of how God brought her through disappointment into hope-restored.

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         The whole first year of our marriage consisted of me begging my husband to start a family. He wanted to get more settled, he didn’t feel “prepared”. I guess I can’t blame him, we had some stuff to get figured out. I just felt like a part of me was missing, and my deepest desire was to be a mother. When he finally agreed to start trying, I was ecstatic! Little did I know the journey we would go through to get “prepared”.

     After just a couple months of trying, I was pregnant! However, the joy was short lived as I miscarried that next week. God gave us an amazing circle of friends and family that supported us through this trying time.

     The year that followed was full of disappointment and heartache, as month after month I got my period. And month after month, another friend or family member was announcing a pregnancy. I cried and cried to God “WHY NOT ME?! When is it MY turn?!” He gently whispered over and over “Just trust me, I got this.” I finally started to believe early winter. I found new hope and new joy in HIM and all that He has already blessed me with.

He also laid foster care/adoption on my heart in this time. Not out of losing hope that we will have biological children, but in gaining sight that there are so many children that need a loving family.

     January started a series at church on idols. Even good things can be idols. I was gently reminded that just maybe having a baby had become SO important to me that it had taken God’s place in my heart. January 11 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! But that next week in church, another sermon, another gentle reminder, and even now as I HAD what I wanted so badly, I gave it back to God. I did not want this baby on my own will and I did not want it to take first priority in my life. I prayed a specific prayer of forgiveness and surrendered our family back to God, and I think it was the first time I TRULY MEANT IT. I had another miscarriage that week. Yes, I was disappointed, devastated, but how could I be angry. I did just give it over to God, and He responded with not yet. An overwhelming peace and understanding came over me that week. And God carried me through another difficult time with a song on the radio, phone call from a friend, “coincidental” verse in my devotions. Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. I always said God gave me the desire to be a mom and I know He’s not going to leave me hanging. But I never remembered the beginning of that verse. FIRST delight yourself in the Lord. THEN He will give you the desires of your heart. I’m working on making Him my delight, and just waiting on His timing for my desires.

     I want to be a mom. I want THAT to be my full time job. I want to be pregnant with my sisters, my cousins, my best friend. I want a baby before Christmas. But if that’s not what GOD wants, I can’t argue with that. I want to be in the center of HIS will, even if it’s painful at times. So I will continue to pray and wait until He reveals that to me.

Kallie and her husband Kevin have been married 2 1/2 years. They live in West Olive, MI and have two furry, four legged babies. They are patiently waiting on the Lord to bless them with REAL babies!

expecting other plans

This is what I woke up to a few Fridays ago…

Yup, you saw that right. Baby number six is on it’s way!

I took the test because my husband gets worried every month. I need to put his mind at ease sometimes. Not for an instant did I feel pregnant. So I was sure I had wasted my money on this little pee stick.

I followed the test directions, saw only one line, and set it on the bathroom counter. “Just as I thought – negative ” I said to myself. And then, just to be sure, I thought I’d wait the prescribed 3 minutes.

Three minutes later I came back to find two lines now staring up at me from that little window.

My first reaction? My heart lept up in disbelief, bewilderment, and JOY.

No, this wasn’t in my plans. I was not expecting this.

God seems to usurp my plans quite a bit. So I should know by now that when I have my future all planned out, God is going to do some major shifting, and I need to expect that other plans are coming. HIS plans. And somehow, even though I don’t usually end up getting what I planned on, I come out on the other end more peaceful and fulfilled. And more mature. Lots of growing takes place in those uncertain, plan-changing times.

Like when we planned and dreamed for a promising job change for Shane; and instead we learned a lesson in character growth.

Or when we planned (multiple times) to sell our current home and find our dream home because I was SO entirely discontent here; and instead we learned contentment and trust.

Or when I had plans for the way my delivery with Daniel would go; and instead I learned that God is in control and he will humble the proud.

Call me crazy, but I am honestly SO EXCITED about this baby. Truly I am. I know I have said many times that we were done having kids. And it was true. I felt completely done. Satisfied and content with our family as it was. When people asked if we were going to have more kids, I would say no and I would tell them that I’d end up in the nut house if I had any more kids. It just wasn’t in my plans.

But I now feel so blessed by HIS plans.

And I look forward to sharing with you this journey. 🙂

how I view SILHOUETTE | part two of a twelve part photography series

This photo was taken while my Daniel sat patiently waiting at Grandpa’s kitchen window, trying to spy some turkeys.

Once you’re done here, hop over to the blogs of Meg VanKampen and Mickie Devries!

a project completed | week in the life

Well I did it! I finally completed a scrapbook project that I started way back in the summer of 2011. It’s been hanging over my head all this time. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great project and I am glad I did it. But it was time consuming. And when you’re a procrastinator like me, time-consuming is a scary, heavy word. My solution to those type of projects: avoidance.

But it all changed for me when I saw my friend Toni’s beautifully completed album of the same project. Her scrapbook skills are phenomenal. I felt inspired. And strangely enough lately, I’ve felt motivated to finish some stuff up. (Not sure if that’s a permanent personality change for me, but I’m just going with it for now!) Like cleaning and organizing our basement. I spent four solid hours down there the other day sorting, organizing, and re-sorting. It felt SO good. And – gasp! – it was actually fun!  I’d share before and after pictures, but our basement is a scary, dark, dirty, creepy place. No one should have to look at it. Anyway, that’s another story.

Back to my project.

It’s called Week In the Life and was started by Ali Edwards. The concept is to document a week of your normal, every day life in detail. I invite you to read in more detail about this project here on her website, and meanwhile I’ll get right into showing you my completed album. You can click on any picture for a larger, clearer view.

(The album I used is from We R Memory Keepers. I love their albums. All the page protectors I used are also that brand.)

title page

Monday

 (The cute little buttons with the days of the week on them are from Ormolu. And the journal cards are from Ali’s 2011 Week in the Life kit at Designer Digitals.)

Tuesday

(The letter stickers I used for the first page of each day are from Amy Tangerine’s Thickers collection.)

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

And there you have it. I am really glad I did this project (and finished it 🙂 ) I LOVE doing Project Life, but since that’s an ongoing process through the year, I don’t often get that satisfaction of completion. So this was fun for me.

The best part? When I showed it to my husband he said, “This is really nice, hon! The kids will love looking at this some day!”

is justice worth it?

Honestly, I have asked that question. Injustice has a way of never ending.

But after watching this video, and reading this beautiful blog post by a dear friend, I am so ashamed for ever asking myself this question.

If I feel this way about pursuing justice for the suffering, I am too detatched.

I am too far removed.

I have not put myself in places where I will build relationships with the suffering.

I am guilty.

And I don’t want to be anymore.

I am now praying that God will put suffering people in my life so I can make them MY OWN. And in turn, fight to bring hope to them.

This is a dangerous prayer.

Dangerous because it will require me to act, not just ponder.

It will require true love and sacrifice, not just observation.

It will require me to get my hands dirty, not just watch from the sidelines.

It will probably be tiring and hurt my heart sometimes.

I am ready.

Are you?

What are the obstacles you face to making the oppressed “your own”?  Did anything in the video tug at your heart?

You can connect up with The EXODUS ROAD to learn about making victims of slavery more closely your own.

the truth will set you free

I was eight. Maybe nine. But I remember clearly what that day was like. I remember the sun shining and the wind blowing through my hair. The view of the school building up ahead of me with the cow pasture on my right. The sound of kids playing at recess. I remember my feet sailing across the pavement as I ran. I felt very fast. I remember feeling happy and free.

And then they told me. Those girls who were older than me. Oh how I wanted them to like me. They told me. They told me I looked funny when I ran. That my legs turned out all crooked like. That my feet were awkward. And they laughed.

And I never ran for fun again.

That moment was one of my first remembered tastes of insecurity, of self-consciousness, of rejection. I was suddenly aware that I was being watched, and there were standards to meet. And I was not enough.

I kept the judgment those girls offered and I buried it in my heart. It began to bloom there. Like a tiny seed turning into a giant weed it grew among all the other weeds of rejection already sprouting in my heart. Year after year, they were all watered and fed.

Oh the judgments were different over the years, it wasn‘t always about running. But they all had the same message: I was not good enough. I was unworthy. I was unloved.

And I believed them.

And I was constantly afraid of being rejected.

Three years ago, I was doing some listening prayer with my mom, and I started to draw. I started drawing me and Jesus walking along the road together. But I realized it felt painfully wrong. This wasn’t how I viewed my life at all. I couldn’t see myself confidently walking with my Lord. I was so unworthy. Surely Jesus felt the same about me as all those people along the years who had rejected me.

So in frustration and shame I turned the paper over and started to draw something else. As God guided my hand, this is what resulted.

I suddenly knew the picture I had drawn was speaking of the way I felt about myself.

Over the years, I had wrapped myself in a cocoon of self-protection. A cocoon to hide myself. I was paralyzed with fear and insecurity.

Self preservation, hidden, defeat, unworthy – I wrote next to my cocoon.

But God also had me draw His hand. Because he never left me. He was transforming me while I was hidden away in that cocoon. He was busy weeding the garden of my heart, removing all those lies, and getting the soil ready for His truth.

He gave me both pictures to give me hope. Hope that he saw and knew and was there. Hope of what my future would look like.  

I don’t know exactly when it was that I emerged  from my cocoon. It was a slow, sometimes painful process that took at least a couple of years. But as God’s truth filled my heart, the way I saw myself was changed from a defeated, fearful, unworthy creature, into his precious child who stands on the truth of who I am in Christ.

In Christ, I am a beloved child of God. (John 1:12)

In Christ, I am accepted. (Rom 5:1)

In Christ, I am complete. (Col 2:10)

And I feel free again. Free like the day my feet sailed across the pavement. Before they told me I was unworthy. Before I believed the lies.

Loved. Whole. Worthy.  Just like He sees me.

I still struggle with insecurity from time to time. Those lies come back to haunt me and whisper in my ear trying to get me to take them back. But I am no longer frozen with fear in a cocoon of self-protection. Now I give those lies to God, and He once again reassures me of His truth. God’s truth will always set me free.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32 NIV

a voice for the voiceless

Remember those things that break my heart? Well, I am so excited to announce that I have joined the Exodus Road Blogging team! Exodus Road is an organization that works to rescue victims of human trafficking. (You can read Anna’s powerful story of rescue here.)

Being a member of this team means I get to keep you updated on human trafficking issues, and the rescues that this organization is doing.

“You can choose to look the other way but you can never say again that you did not know.” – William Wilberforce, politician largely responsible for abolishing slavery in the British Empire

I want my children, my grandchildren, to say of me that I showed up. That I did something. That my heart didn’t just break, but that it moved me to action in defense of the innocent.

Prayer is the greatest work.

We will start there.

And then we will let God move us in the directions He chooses.

His heart is for the suffering.

And He will move our hearts to help.

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There are so many ways you can help. Exodus Road has many ways you can get involved. Pray, and help as you feel led.

weekend wanderings | down on the farm

Being a farmer is something I daydream about. It seems so romantic to me. Even all the dirt, smells, and work seem wonderful. I’m not sure why, really. Because I have never been a tom boy. I used to be afraid of bugs, and I hated getting my hands dirty when I was little. And the smell of farms – yes I complained as my dad would drive by them.

I think its the wide open spaces that do it for me. And the value of things that truly matter. Like family. Work. Life. Character. Nature. Simplicity.

This weekend we got to visit Shady Side Farm for their sheep shearing open house. (You can read the farmer’s wife’s wonderful blog here.) I am pretty sure I enjoyed it more than the kids. I mean, they loved it, but I loved it. The Bronkema family has long been a family I look up to for raising kids, work ethic, and family values. They are truly wonderful. And I am so thankful they open their farm up on this one day for us to get a little taste of farm life. We got to watch sheep shearing, pet baby sheep, see the other animals, and visit their family shop (where they make and sell wonderful wool products and have their beans for sale).

The sheep shearing is really fun to watch. The lady from the Critter Barn in Zeeland was there to narrate the process. Super helpful in answering questions and explaining things. The whole thing fascinates me. Even though it looks awkward, the sheep really are comfortable and cared for through the entire  event. (And I apologize for the blurry picture. Low light + movement = not so good for my camera)   The baby sheep – so adorable. Noah really wanted the llamas to eat out of his hand. They just stared at him. My favorite part of the adventure – watching Makayla visit with the horses. This girl is in love with horses. (you can read more about that here.) She found her little piece of heaven. And this time I didn’t get to spend much time in the shop, because my kids were, ahem, a little “out of sorts”. But these pictures are from last year. They have some beautiful rugs, mittens and other wool products. Thank you,  Bronkema family for opening your farm for us to enjoy! We can’t wait for next year!