Good Friday

They sat in silence. Rare for this group of rowdies. I could hear them breathing as I read, shifting in their bed covers, but nothing else. Their ears? They were working. I could feel them working. Peeled to my every word. Also rare for this bunch.

The story of Jesus’ death danced off the pages in piercing words, like beautiful sad music. We, all of us, were hearing it as if for the first time.

“‘If you were really the son of God, you could just climb down off that cross!’ they said. And of course they were right. Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, he could have just said a word and made it stop. Like when he healed that little girl. And stilled the storm. And fed 5,000 people.

But Jesus stayed.

You see, they didn’t understand. It wasn’t the nails that kept Jesus there. It was love.”   (from The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones)

It was love.

And that love drew tears from the six year old. It stunned into pensive silence the twelve year old. It rendered the nine year old speechless for once in his life. It begged the question “Why?!” from the three year old. And it brought forth life changing questions from them all.

“Then Jesus shouted in a loud voice, ‘It is finished!’

And it was. He had done it. Jesus had rescued the whole world.”

Jesus rescued us. Thank you, Abba.

 

 

 

Emily | 4 months old

Yesterday, I wasn’t ready to say she was 4 months old. She was still “almost 4 months.” Because it feels like this was yesterday…

Then I looked at the calender and realized how “almost 4 months” she really was. When I think about the time that has passed I get a little sad knowing it went by so quickly. And yet my heart overflows seeing my beautiful girl growing and changing. She is so precious to us. I can’t get over those eyes. And I can’t get over how much God has blessed us with her and through her.

For those of you wondering, her reflux has greatly improved. We’ve found our happy place at the intersection of Omeaprezole, probiotics, Nutramigen formula, chiropractic care, and a hazelwood necklace. Life is good. I was talking with a dear friend today and we realized together that peace comes from accepting things just the way they are, and then having faith that God will lead you through. We are thanking God that he gave us peace and guidance in this.

We love you so much, sweet Emily

sweet little Zoey Grace

So after a long crazy week of gallbladder surgery and recovery, Shane and I were finally able to make it DeVos Childrens Hospital in Grand Rapids to meet little Zoey. I have been beside myself with anticipation of getting to see her (and her momma)! And after lots of time spent gushing over her, I of course had to grab some shots of her 🙂 Sweet Zoey had a rough start to life, but by God’s healing grace she is thriving and growing. You can read her mom’s blog here. It’s such a beautiful story of God’s faithfulness. I am so thankful that even when trials come, we can have faith that God is lovingly sovereign. This little baby has taught me so much already in her first week of life. We love you, baby Zoey!

“We also know that He created her, just the way she is, perfect in His eyes, to fulfill HIS purpose”  Kallie Hogan

Matthew 6:26-27 “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”

fearfully and wonderfully made

My dear friend Kallie is expecting a baby girl in February. Such a miracle for this family. You may remember her story of heartbreaking miscarriage that she shared on this blog some time ago. You can read that story here, and link to her blog here. (I, in all my tech-savy-ness could not figure out how to re-blog. Yup, I’m that good. Forgive me.) They are facing some complications with their sweet baby girl. My purpose of reposting her words are to gather as much prayer support as possible. So please visit her blog to leave your comments of support, and please keep this family in your prayers as they will be going through a challenging journey in the coming months. Here is what she shared today….

When I found out I was pregnant, I thought about starting a blog. We had quite the journey getting to that point and wanted to share all that God was doing. I didn’t do it then because I didn’t think I’d have enough to say about pregnancy to fill a blog….boy, was I wrong! We’ve had a long hard journey so far, but God has proved faithful through it all. Maybe someday I’ll go into further detail, but for now I want to share our new findings, and ask for prayer for our little girl, my husband Kevin, and myself.

Throughout this pregnancy I have had several ultrasounds monitoring various issues. At my 30 week ultrasound my amniotic fluid was elevated and I was sent to a specialist to see if we could find a reason. She thought our baby looked very normal and did not see anything of great concern. The plan was to monitor with weekly fluid checks and twice weekly Non Stress Tests. At 34 weeks my fluid was elevated more. Back to the specialist with some new findings. We could not see the baby’s left kidney or left thumb on the ultrasound, and her cervical spine appears to be slightly disorganized. He was also suspicious of a tracheoesophageal fistula, a blockage in her esophagus, which would explain the high fluid. He didn’t give us much hope of a normal life. This was a hard pill to swallow as none of these concerns were raised at any earlier ultrasounds, and seemed to come out of nowhere, So we sought a second opinion. Same findings, but much more positive outlook. We won’t know anything for sure until she is born, but right now the plan is to deliver at DeVos, surgery to correct the fistula in the first few days, and then a couple month stay in the NICU for recovery. She might have a rough little start to life, but shouldn’t have any lasting complications.

We are still praying with faith believing that God will heal her, and that she will not need any medical intervention after she is born. But we also know that He created her, just the way she is, perfect in His eyes, to fulfill HIS purpose.

PSALM 139:14 – I PRAISE YOU BECAUSE I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE; YOUR WORKS ARE WONDERFUL, I KNOW THAT FULL WELL.

around here

Around here I am missing my big kids. Yup, I’m lonely.

Around here getting everybody up and out at 7:30 is making me tired. And having everyone return in a state of chaos – tired, hyper, and crabby – is taking it’s toll. And it’s only the second week of school! Yikes!

Around here, in the midst of all that chaos, I am learning to rest in God. This morning I woke up and dreaded doing the routine all over again. I was lamenting the weekend that went by too quickly. I was angry I had to get out of my comfy bed. I was dreading the hurry-hurry of getting kids ready for school. I was despairing of having another lonely day. And then I got a lovely email from a friend. It said, “Matt 11:28….come to me and I will Rest you (in the Greek). He will rest us, we just come.” Then I knew I needed to surrender my day to HIM. I needed to COME and find his rest. So I stopped, prayed, and gave him my day. Even though I’m not jumping for joy about our school routine I can find peace and rest in God.

Around here Noah and I are enjoying some quality time. I’m noticing funny little things about him that I have never seen before. He actually likes playing on his own. He’ll tinker with toys for a long time without begging me to entertain him. Breath of fresh air compared to the way the two other boys were at this age!

Around here I am learning to adjust to quiet all day.

Around here I am starting to catch up on my project life scrapbook. Hopefully I’ll have pages to share with you soon!

Around here we’re brainstorming baby names. Only 8 weeks to go until the little one arrives and we’re at a loss for a boys name…

Around here we’re diving head first into the soccer season. We started out last week with two practices and a game for Ryan and we’ll continue this routine well into October. This is Ryan’s first organized sport and he is loving it so far! (He is so proud, in fact, that he invites people to his practices, convinced that people would want to witness them.)

Around here I’m enjoying the last pieces of homemade blueberry pie every day while trying to make it last as long as possible. Eating two pieces last night probably didn’t help that goal.

Around here I am taking advantage of every sunny day we have by sitting on the deck and reading.

Around here life is good. Not always easy, but good. Thank you, God.

reign in me again

Our sermon this past week was for me. Do you ever have times where a word from God is spoken and it goes right into your heart, opening your ears and burning in your spirit? That’s how it was this Sunday.

This is kind of hard for me to share. Humbling. But even though being honest about my failings is hard, I want to share. I am so imperfectly human. Hopefully someone out there finds encouragement from my failure.

The preacher talked about the fruit of the spirit, and remaining in the vine (God) so that we will produce good fruit.

I have felt less that prosperous lately. I’ve felt dry and dead. Somehow everything I do and everything I aim for feels off. Unpurposeful and yielding nothing.

It is frustrating.

At the end of the sermon, part of Psalm 1 was read…

“He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.” Psalm 1:3

My heart felt like it was waking up from a deep, cold sleep and it screamed at me ‘listen!’ The words thudded deep into my spirit. This was the key to the mess my life is in – I knew it. I do NOT feel like that tree right now. I feel as if I will fall over from frailty and be consumed in turmoil.

I cry out to God frequently, what am I doing wrong? Where is the fruit in my life? Why can I not prosper despite all that I try?

“I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5 NIV

I am fruitless because I am not remaining and abiding in the vine.  The vine that sustains my very life. The vine that supplies every good thing I need. The vine that brings me peace and security.

Instead, I have ignored the vine, thinking somehow apart from my roots I can be stable and happy. That I can do good things on my own. Myself, just me, a silly little branch. We all know branches die when they come off of a tree. Why would I think I could be any different apart from my sustain-er of life?

I picture roots deep and healthy on the tree in Psalm 1. Silent strength. Peaceful trusting.

The verse preceding verse 3 gives one of the keys that I am missing in becoming that tree…

“But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.” Psalm 1:2

I am not in the place of meditating on God’s word or resting on his promises.

I am also failing at yielding and submitting to the Spirit.

I have always struggled with submission vs. rebellion. I go in cycles of resting in God, and then running like crazy away from him. When I am not grounded in His truth, I fight Him. Becoming ungrounded is a gradual process for me. It happens because I don’t take in His truth nearly enough. I neglect the Bible, I push worship away, I go against his Spirit’s promptings. Little by little, I forget who He is.  The devil attacks me with fear. Big time. (Fear is his constant tool against me.) And then I start believing God is harsh, cruel, distant, demanding. In my heart I know he is not, but it feels so true that I run even farther.

And then I am living in the flesh. Out of control, roaming the earth looking for something to satisfy me.

“The acts of the sinful nature (the flesh) are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies and the like.” Galatians 5:19-21 (words in parentheses mine)

On first glance these verses seem pretty extreme. I mean, orgies? Hey, that’s not me, I must be doing pretty good. But on closer inspection of each word I see that I am so so guilty. Witchcraft is simply rebellion. Guilty. Hatred – how many times have I harbored bitterness in my heart recently? Guilty. Idolatry – I put myself and material possessions ahead of God. Guilty. Envy – my heart hurts sometimes because I don’t have the house someone else has. Guilty.

There is probably no need to go on. The point is my life is overrun by flesh right now. I have pushed the Spirit away and ignored him, and now my life is full of rotten fruit.

“But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Galatians 5:22

I want to be that peaceful tree in Psalm 1 so badly that it brings tears to my eyes.

Returning from rebellion requires repentance. It requires me to be the prodigal son – turning back to God and running to meet him. Giving up my own will, submitting, admitting I can do nothing on my own. I am so so so very thankful He is already running towards me. He has been calling me, leading me, whispering sweet nothings to me in an attempt to bring me to the point of praying this prayer…

“Lord reign in me, reign in your power, over all my dreams, in my darkest hour. You are the Lord of all I am. So won’t you reign in me again.”

(thank you, Ron Radcliff for a wonderful, wonderful sermon. God used your words tremendously!)

when insecurity comes calling

My Ryan was curled up in his bed under his covers. Hiding. Defeated. Pain written all over his face.  Sadness clouded his eyes. He whimpered a little when I tried to talk to him.  And my heart broke.

People don’t often get to see this side of my Ryan. What they see is an active, sharp boy who thinks he’s always right. He appears confident. But under that confidence, he hurts just like the rest of us.

I knew what was plaguing his mind. He didn’t even have to tell me. I’d seen it played out in his life time and time again. He’d done something wrong, and he was ashamed of his very existence.  To him, when he fails or when someone points out a fault in him, he believes everyone hates him. Us, his friends, his teachers, even God. I told him God loves him, and he shook his head. “No he doesn’t, ” he whispered, choked up with tears. He could not believe me.

What he did believe was that something was wrong with him, and that no one on this whole earth loved him. That he was a  failure. Unworthy of love. Rejected. “I wish I was never made,” he said. How familiar these feelings were to me. Myself having struggled with insecurity and rejection most of my life.

The tears welled up in my eyes. My sweet baby. Oh how I wanted him to grasp how precious he is to us. How precious he is to God.

So I started to tell him his story.

“You know, Ryan, we weren’t a very good mom and dad when you were really little. We didn’t know how to teach you about how special you are. That’s why you feel so ashamed of yourself. I’m so so sorry. We did our best, but we didn’t know how to be good parents. But even before you started growing in my tummy, I knew your name would be Ryan. God told me that one day. And I loved that name.”

his big, sad doe eyes found mine. I had his attention.

“And one day, dad and I decided we wanted another baby in our family. We wanted you. So we waited and waited, and then one night, in the middle of the night, I took a pregnancy test and found out you were coming! I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep!”

a faint smile played on the corners of his lips.

“But I had to wait a whole day to tell dad because he was gone for the weekend playing softball. When he got home, I told him right away and he nearly jumped up and down he was so excited!”

little giggle

“And then the whole time I was pregnant with you, everyone thought you were going to be a girl. We already had two girls, so both dad and I were really hoping you would be a boy. When you came out, dad looked down and smiled really big. You were a boy! Dad was so excited! I was too!”

full smile 

“When Aunt Sarah came to visit you, she didn’t believe us that you were a boy. She thought we were playing a trick on her, so she took off your diaper to check!”

big laugh!

“Do you see how wanted you are? How much we loved you even before we knew you were coming? How excited we were to meet you? How much joy you bring us? And God loved you before he even started making you. He knew what family to put you in, he knew every thing you’d be good at, he knew your heart. You are his child, my sweet son. I am so so so glad to have you. I wouldn’t trade you for anything in this world. Not anything.”

peace fell over his face.

And then I loved on him. Kissed him. Held him. Hugged him. Prayed for him. I prayed that old foundations of insecurity and rejection will be torn down, and that God by a miracle would build a new foundation of acceptance in my boy. I have hope that God will restore what we as parents didn’t and couldn’t give Ryan.

I know that in His timing, He will work wonders in Ryan’s heart. For now, my job is to love him as best I can, pray like crazy, and to trust God.

Deep down, isn’t that what we all want? To be wanted, loved, accepted. To know we matter, to know we belong.

And only God can give that to us in the truest, most fulfilling form. He fills the holes in our hearts. And I am so thankful for that.

start small to be a hero

My monthly post for Exodus Road …

Do you ever feel discouraged about how to enter the enormous gap between human trafficking and life in the suburbs?  Exodus Road staffer, Kelley J. Leigh, is an ordinary  middle-aged mom to four sons and recently wrote an article over at Burnside Writers Collective about the paralyzation we ‘regular’ people feel about what to do when it comes to sex trade.  She writes ….

My former social justice slackitude stemmed from my belief in super heroes. “Those people” do this stuff, not me. “I’ll just leave them to their supernatural business and check in on them every once in awhile.”  However, I now see them simply as ordinary people who have followed God, one harrowing step at a time.  They didn’t start out as superheroes.  Back alley brothels and hidden cameras only entered the story after a long  series of small choices stepped them toward the bat cave.  It’s the same for all of us.  After the smallest pause and question, “What now?”  What Next?” is always an invitation.  It’s a Jesus invitation. “Follow me.”  Steps which obediently follow inevitably lead us to love God or love people in powerful and unimaginable ways.

And what does the LORD require of you? 

To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. – Micah 6:8

One turn at a time.  One seed of holy unrest, watered.   One humble step. One choice to say “Yes” to the One true God who has a heart to rescue us all, one soul at a time.

Start small.  Water the seed. Let it grow.

Be a hero in this larger story.

Join the rescue.

Kelley J. Leigh lives in a quirky little mountain town in Colorado.  At mid-life she decided to leave behind full-time marketing and consulting work to focus on writing.  The rest of her time goes to her husband, four sons, and the recovery of lost car keys. Someday she hopes to own an old scooter and embarrass her sons by wearing the very dorky helmet around town. Read the rest of the article, HERE.

weekend wanderings | our Easter

We spent our Easter with family. My family first, and Shane’s family after. It was wonderful. After a delicious lunch at my mom and dad’s house, my mom and dad explained to the kids that when we accept Jesus into our hearts, we become a new creation. Like a caterpillar changes into a butterfly, and it can never be changed back, we are secure in our new identity in Christ.

Then Grandma took the kids out into the woods for a butterfly hunt!

Here they are, all lined up youngest to oldest (minus the two babies 🙂 ), ready to go searching for butterflies!

And there they go….into the woods!

Makayla was the first to find a “butterfly” – which was really a candy bar glued to clear, glitter-painted wings, hanging from a tree on a string. So cute, but hard to photograph as the wings kept flopping over. My mom is so creative.

The boys were pretty excited when they found theirs!

I love being in my parent’s woods….

And each family got to go home with a butterfly habitat so we can watch our very own caterpillars turn into butterflies!

I am so glad that we got to celebrate today with our family. And I am thankful for grandparents who pass down God’s truths and love to our kids.

We are very blessed. Happy Easter! He is Risen!

“Those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun.” II Corinthians 5:17

rest in HIS shadow

Sometimes I really do just feel like giving up and hiding.

Like crawling back under my covers and shutting out the world.

Like hunkering down in my house for the rest of my life so I don’t have to worry if my jeans are too worn out, or my scarf is so-two-years-ago.

Like never reaching out to others because I am afraid they will push me away.

It’s so much easier to be hidden.

Being out there feels hard. Risky.

Today is one of those days.

When I feel like this – insecure, unsure, unstable, overwhelmed – I realize that I have left my solid rock and floated off into a land where what man says matters more than what God says. A place where I am overly concerned with circumstances instead of God’s constant and sure promises.

“He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak…those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.”  Isaiah 40:29,31

In times like this I need to return my hope to God. Return to my resting place. My solid rock.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” Psalm 91:1

This is my 911 verse. My having-an-emergency-and-need-a-solution verse. It takes me awhile to get to it, because I use it when I’m at the end of myself. When I’ve tried everything on my own to be okay, and finally realize HE will make me okay.

Dwell in HIS shelter.

Rest in HIS shadow.

Lovely. Being in HIS shadow sounds divine. So protected.

So now I will breathe. Start over. Return to his shelter. Dwell. And Rest.

Thank you, Father.