Today I am so honored to have my friend Kallie guest posting. Here is her inspiring and touching story of how God brought her through disappointment into hope-restored.
The whole first year of our marriage consisted of me begging my husband to start a family. He wanted to get more settled, he didn’t feel “prepared”. I guess I can’t blame him, we had some stuff to get figured out. I just felt like a part of me was missing, and my deepest desire was to be a mother. When he finally agreed to start trying, I was ecstatic! Little did I know the journey we would go through to get “prepared”.
After just a couple months of trying, I was pregnant! However, the joy was short lived as I miscarried that next week. God gave us an amazing circle of friends and family that supported us through this trying time.
The year that followed was full of disappointment and heartache, as month after month I got my period. And month after month, another friend or family member was announcing a pregnancy. I cried and cried to God “WHY NOT ME?! When is it MY turn?!” He gently whispered over and over “Just trust me, I got this.” I finally started to believe early winter. I found new hope and new joy in HIM and all that He has already blessed me with.
He also laid foster care/adoption on my heart in this time. Not out of losing hope that we will have biological children, but in gaining sight that there are so many children that need a loving family.
January started a series at church on idols. Even good things can be idols. I was gently reminded that just maybe having a baby had become SO important to me that it had taken God’s place in my heart. January 11 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! But that next week in church, another sermon, another gentle reminder, and even now as I HAD what I wanted so badly, I gave it back to God. I did not want this baby on my own will and I did not want it to take first priority in my life. I prayed a specific prayer of forgiveness and surrendered our family back to God, and I think it was the first time I TRULY MEANT IT. I had another miscarriage that week. Yes, I was disappointed, devastated, but how could I be angry. I did just give it over to God, and He responded with not yet. An overwhelming peace and understanding came over me that week. And God carried me through another difficult time with a song on the radio, phone call from a friend, “coincidental” verse in my devotions. Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. I always said God gave me the desire to be a mom and I know He’s not going to leave me hanging. But I never remembered the beginning of that verse. FIRST delight yourself in the Lord. THEN He will give you the desires of your heart. I’m working on making Him my delight, and just waiting on His timing for my desires.
I want to be a mom. I want THAT to be my full time job. I want to be pregnant with my sisters, my cousins, my best friend. I want a baby before Christmas. But if that’s not what GOD wants, I can’t argue with that. I want to be in the center of HIS will, even if it’s painful at times. So I will continue to pray and wait until He reveals that to me.
Kallie and her husband Kevin have been married 2 1/2 years. They live in West Olive, MI and have two furry, four legged babies. They are patiently waiting on the Lord to bless them with REAL babies!