Our sermon this past week was for me. Do you ever have times where a word from God is spoken and it goes right into your heart, opening your ears and burning in your spirit? That’s how it was this Sunday.
This is kind of hard for me to share. Humbling. But even though being honest about my failings is hard, I want to share. I am so imperfectly human. Hopefully someone out there finds encouragement from my failure.
The preacher talked about the fruit of the spirit, and remaining in the vine (God) so that we will produce good fruit.
I have felt less that prosperous lately. I’ve felt dry and dead. Somehow everything I do and everything I aim for feels off. Unpurposeful and yielding nothing.
It is frustrating.
At the end of the sermon, part of Psalm 1 was read…
“He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.” Psalm 1:3
My heart felt like it was waking up from a deep, cold sleep and it screamed at me ‘listen!’ The words thudded deep into my spirit. This was the key to the mess my life is in – I knew it. I do NOT feel like that tree right now. I feel as if I will fall over from frailty and be consumed in turmoil.
I cry out to God frequently, what am I doing wrong? Where is the fruit in my life? Why can I not prosper despite all that I try?
“I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5 NIV
I am fruitless because I am not remaining and abiding in the vine. The vine that sustains my very life. The vine that supplies every good thing I need. The vine that brings me peace and security.
Instead, I have ignored the vine, thinking somehow apart from my roots I can be stable and happy. That I can do good things on my own. Myself, just me, a silly little branch. We all know branches die when they come off of a tree. Why would I think I could be any different apart from my sustain-er of life?
I picture roots deep and healthy on the tree in Psalm 1. Silent strength. Peaceful trusting.
The verse preceding verse 3 gives one of the keys that I am missing in becoming that tree…
“But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.” Psalm 1:2
I am not in the place of meditating on God’s word or resting on his promises.
I am also failing at yielding and submitting to the Spirit.
I have always struggled with submission vs. rebellion. I go in cycles of resting in God, and then running like crazy away from him. When I am not grounded in His truth, I fight Him. Becoming ungrounded is a gradual process for me. It happens because I don’t take in His truth nearly enough. I neglect the Bible, I push worship away, I go against his Spirit’s promptings. Little by little, I forget who He is. The devil attacks me with fear. Big time. (Fear is his constant tool against me.) And then I start believing God is harsh, cruel, distant, demanding. In my heart I know he is not, but it feels so true that I run even farther.
And then I am living in the flesh. Out of control, roaming the earth looking for something to satisfy me.
“The acts of the sinful nature (the flesh) are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies and the like.” Galatians 5:19-21 (words in parentheses mine)
On first glance these verses seem pretty extreme. I mean, orgies? Hey, that’s not me, I must be doing pretty good. But on closer inspection of each word I see that I am so so guilty. Witchcraft is simply rebellion. Guilty. Hatred – how many times have I harbored bitterness in my heart recently? Guilty. Idolatry – I put myself and material possessions ahead of God. Guilty. Envy – my heart hurts sometimes because I don’t have the house someone else has. Guilty.
There is probably no need to go on. The point is my life is overrun by flesh right now. I have pushed the Spirit away and ignored him, and now my life is full of rotten fruit.
“But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” Galatians 5:22
I want to be that peaceful tree in Psalm 1 so badly that it brings tears to my eyes.
Returning from rebellion requires repentance. It requires me to be the prodigal son – turning back to God and running to meet him. Giving up my own will, submitting, admitting I can do nothing on my own. I am so so so very thankful He is already running towards me. He has been calling me, leading me, whispering sweet nothings to me in an attempt to bring me to the point of praying this prayer…
“Lord reign in me, reign in your power, over all my dreams, in my darkest hour. You are the Lord of all I am. So won’t you reign in me again.”
(thank you, Ron Radcliff for a wonderful, wonderful sermon. God used your words tremendously!)
my five freds 
Wow…so well said! Brings chills to me reading this knowing how much truth is there! Not just truth where you are at, but just a constant reminder for me as well that he is our ONLY source of life! Thanks for your bravery in sharing! 🙂
a lesson I will probably have to learn numerous more times along this journey of life. I’m so glad we can encourage each other.
We struggle in such similar ways. I’m going to remember that this week, reign in me, thank you. God is growing your roots deep.
It really does feel like a time where more growing is happening. I am looking forward to that even though its hard. 🙂 Thanks for your encouragement, you are a blessing
This post was sooooo helpful to me today! Especially since we weren’t at church because we went to the Allegan antique fair . . . I’m glad God used you and your voice to let me hear this message even though I wasn’t present at Harlem! Every point you made is something that I also need to work on and really I need to ask God to help me because on my own I always fail.
Its funny to me that I always forget that I really suck at life when I’m on my own 🙂 We can encourage eachother to remember where our ONE life source is!
Transparent, powerful and wonderful!!
Thank you for sharing, Amy!!
Thank you, God, that you spoke so powerfully to Amy’s heart!!
Daddy God, it’s wonderful the way you gently continue to call us all back home into your open arms every time we stray or even when we run away from you!!
That is amazing grace!! Thank you God!!
Oh Amy! Thank you for your bravery in sharing. It’s like you took the thoughts right out of my head. Something I’ve really been struggling with. Humans are funny, aren’t we? We “know” just what to do to make our lives better and even try to “help” others, like our kids, with what THEY should be doing when we areselves are not following our own advice~~not smoking, eating right, exercising…having a personal spiritual life daily. All things I struggle with (except the smoking part) and know I should be doing but just don’t. I may not look like it on the outside, but there are destructive things going on in my mind that make me not so happy with those I love most.
I am in the midst of pulling up our garden to plant grass (painful, but it’s time). It is overrun with weeds and I finished one plot but have the second to go. It is terrible, back breaking work to pull up those weeds (neglected for far too long) to get it ready to plan the grass that will, hopefully, make life easier. I’m seeing two things with it that you have helped me see. 1) I want those weeds to die so what do I do? I pull them up by the roots. If the weed is separated from the root it will die. When I am separated from my source of life and spiritual nutrition, I die. 2) When the grass is planted and can just be mowed, it will be much easier and make my yard look better. It will take consistant maintanance to keep it that way but once it is going I won’t have to contstantly be watering, weeding and feeling bad because I’ve let a garden get out of control. This is all kinda like me. I’ve neglected my life and it has run amuck. It will take some tough work to get it back on track to make it “easier”, but if I am more consistant at it, it shouldn’t be so bad.
I praise God for His faithfulness that He will never leave me even when I’m not good at seeking Him. He’s always waiting for us.
Thanks, Amy.
I LOVE that illustration. So beautiful. Word pictures truly help me, and I will remember this forever in my journey. I do have so many bad roots right now, roots that need to be pulled, and then I need to be regrafted into the vine – where the one true root is. I love your encouragement that the road ahead will be easier once the right things are planted. Thank you for this!